What Are the Most Common Mistakes Made During a Divorce?

Thinking you don’t need a lawyer

Even in the cases where a divorce is amicable, we do not recommend that you try to navigate a dissolution of marriage on your own. Most people we know who attempt to manage their divorce without the aid of legal counsel because they believe that their divorce is a “basic” one, or that they can save a little money by avoiding legal fees. 

Here’s the thing, though most divorces — even the seemingly simple, most amicable dissolutions — are complicated. If you have children, own property, have retirement savings or other shared assets (and most couples will fall under at least one of these categories), then the unraveling and equitable division of these categories will usually require some level of negotiation and objective decision making. 

Another basic reason why it’s essential to have legal counsel in a divorce proceeding is the paperwork. Time and time again, we’ve seen clients who have gone down the road of trying to manage this themselves, and it ends up taking more time, effort, and expertise than they initially anticipated, and then they end up securing legal counsel anyway. And just when you think you’re done, it might be rejected or need to be amended. Avoid the trouble and strife by just working with a family legal specialist right away. 

Not asking for enough information 

Like most things in life, in a divorce, knowledge is power. When you’re going through the divorce process, you deserve to have the confidence that you’re making informed decisions based on thorough, accurate information. 

You’re doing yourself a disservice by simply taking your spouse’s word for it when it comes to your household’s financial situation, including all assets. A lack of a clear understanding of your spouse’s net vs. gross income, for instance, can create a deep misunderstanding in what potential spousal or child support arrangements might be. 

Relatedly, another common mistake that is made in some divorce proceedings is not being fully honest when it comes to your own personal assets or income. In short, do not attempt to hide any assets or income. 

Sure, some people may have successfully done this in their divorces and made off like (quite literal) bandits, but more often than not, you’re going to get caught. Even if you think you’ve gotten away with it, your case can be reopened if it’s discovered that you’ve been dishonest with your ex and with the court. This eviscerates any trust you’ve built, so always be honest, just as your counsel will advise you to be. 

Not knowing when to say enough is enough, or thinking with your heart instead of your head

For some, a divorce can be an amicable process. For others, it can feel like there are scores that need to be settled, and the aim is as much to make it a painful process as possible for all involved as it is to come to an agreement. 

The truth is that you can be too aggressive in your negotiations. This can twist the perception of the judge, which of course can be to your detriment during the course of your settlement. It can also make your partner far less willing to play ball with you and dissolve your relationship in a swift and equitable fashion. 

We know that it’s difficult, but your inability to separate your emotions from the case will lead to huge pitfalls as you enter into negotiations. You have to do your best to think with your brain vs. your heart. And you have to know when enough is enough so that you can all move on to the next phase of your lives. 

Being able to reconcile is wonderful, and we do see that from time to time, but that’s typically the exception vs. the rule, and while we certainly don’t suggest you rush through your divorce or file your case without clearly understanding your motivations and goals, you need to know when to say when. 

Involving your children 

Even if you’re the one filing for divorce and you know that you’re making the right decision for yourself and your children, you might encounter feelings of guilt or regret in regard to how this process might affect your children. This is normal. This is expected. After all, as their parents, you’re motivated by protecting their well being. 

However, no matter how worried you are about the kids, you need to be very careful about how you are involving them in your divorce. To be clear: we recommend that you do not. Do not involve your children and do not lobby your children’s support as you go through this process. 

In fact, it’s our opinion that the most important thing you can do involving your children is to reassure them that they are safe, they are loved, and that as soon as possible you will be entering a new, albeit different chapter of normalcy together. They want to feel safe. They do not want to feel fought over, and they do not need to know anything about the court proceedings beyond that everyone involved wants what’s best for them. 

Some parents worry that their kids will think, “Why didn’t you fight harder for me?” but this is often an unwarranted worry. When it comes to the kids, be reasonable, don’t avoid paying your fair share child or spousal support, don’t do things like try to refuse or prevent parenting time (assuming there’s no history of abuse), and do all you can to ensure the kids won’t have to step foot in a courthouse. No judge wants to see children in court, and the experience has potential to do damage to the child. Do all you can to avoid this out of their best interest.